Friday, January 27, 2017

Untitled Emotion and Exhaustion

I found myself crouched in the corner of the room. Tears were streaming from my face.

I wasn't exactly sure how I had got to the corner. I just remember this wash of panic, and then I came to in the corner.

My head hurt. I was probably having a cluster. A cluster accompanied by a panic attack of massive proportions.

I am tired. Tired to the marrow in my bones.

My feet burn. My fingers crack and ache.

I didn't really want to stand up when I came to. I thought to myself, "No, just stay here."

It was so strange because I felt like I was outside of my body when I found myself. Like I was watching myself sit there in agony.

I had been having visions, or fears/dreams, or whatever you wanna call them. Maybe I'm just hallucinating.

I would go to her bed to wake her for school and she would be cold. Her body cold. Unresponsive.

She was gone. And therefore I was. We were both gone.

I am tired of making life and death decisions. I am tired of the weight of the world.

I want to be her Mom. Not her Doctor. Or Nurse.

I want to be Mom.

I feel a storm coming. A storm inside of my heart.

I am awash with intense emotion.

I have never been so driven to decision, yet so unable to make decisions.

The tears that were flowing from my eyes while locked in panic are the rain of the storm that approaches.

I fear she will leave me. She will leave me with the medicine. All this knowledge and then I will not have any reason to use it anymore. I will be left without a purpose.

In these spaces alone, I feel the loss of my purpose. Almost like she is out of my reach. Like there is nothing more to do. We just have to "ride it out".

I grieve for the loss, even before the loss occurs. I have been grieving it for almost a decade now.

It ebbs and flows. It sits quietly inside me, or rages in my words or tears.

Is this what life is? Is this truly living?

Feeling the emotions when they come and watching as they dissipate, scattered to the Universe.

She gave me purpose. Without her, I am nothing. She has made me everything I am.

She made me a Mother. She made me a Doctor, a Nurse. An Educator. An Advocate.

I still see myself in the corner. Trapped in panic.

That woman in the corner is me. Is this a vision of my future? Is this just the result of the electrical signals in my brain reacting to neurochemicals?

Am I anything? Is this real?

I am questioning it all. My mind is not telling truths anymore.

I am tired.