Last night I had the opportunity to get to spend a special night with some special Moms.
A night of pampering, friendship and conversation. 100% free, time donated by some amazing practioners of indulgence.
Now I've never been one for indulgence. I'm more the callous it out type, you know - the ugly shows the work type.
I get a little giddy about the intense dark circles under my eyes cause I feel like its my badge of honor. Its my inner need for martyrdom. "Look at me and my lack of sleep, I'm a total badass!!"
Guess what? Lack of sleep doesn't make you a badass. It just makes you an ass.
Refusing to take any time for self-care doesn't make you SuperWoman - it makes you SickWoman - which does nothing for the people around you who need you. Especially for the ones you are raising up in this world.
I decided around February of 2017 that this would be a year of self-care for me. I was going to start taking care of me. Who gives a crap if the beds weren't made or we ate cereal for dinner? None of that was going to kill any of us.
So that's what I've done. Got diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, found out I have some sort of chronic inflammation in my body (we are still investigating this one), and I'm changing the way I eat to hopefully remove all diabetes meds from my repertoire.
I have stopped spending each day in fear of Alexandra's death, I have stopped wishing Aria would stop being emotional and started to get her evaluated for high functioning Autism and other issues.
Those things may not seem like self-care items - but any special needs Mom knows they are. Peace of Mind = Everything in the special needs world.
But last night I did something different. I let a stranger touch me. And while it wasn't sexual - it was intimate. Intimate down right to my soul.
I tried Reiki.
First of all - I am hooked. Reiki = Life. Reiki = God.
When the practioner started I attempted to not give over. Losing control is a dangerous thing for me. I've always had a fear of not being able to come back from that. She knew. It was like she was in my brain and she knew. She put her hands over my ears. Suddenly I had no choice but to surrender.
I went somewhere. It was dark but light all at the same time. It was everything and nothing. It was every feeling I have felt for a decade since Alexandra's birth, to every memory of my childhood, to feelings I have yet to feel.
God was there. He didn't say anything. He was invisible but his presence was felt. This was the stuff of Him. This was the ways He put us together. The ways He put the universe together. This was Life.
I would come and go to this place. I'd sort of 'come back' to consciousness and then allow myself to fall away again. I remember at one point feeling my throat relax and thought "Shit Danielle don't start snoring!".
God was waiting for me there. He wanted to reassure me.
So what happened when I tried Reiki?
I saw, felt, and experienced God. It was glorious. It was healing. His healing.
It was the nature of existence and the lack of existence. It was light and dark.
It was God reassuring me that the self-care I am doing was not going to result in the death of my oldest child, or the end of my marriage, or myself or my Husband losing our jobs.
It was Him without words saying "I have plans yet for you. You must do this because you have work yet before you. You are not stopping, you have not failed, you continue to run, for now the run slows, but soon enough it will quicken again and you will find your next purpose."
Y'all life is hard. Like the title of this blog suggests. God is there. You need only be still. He already told us that. We just refuse to listen. I think that's a side effect of having a body.
So listen. Let Him guide you. He already knows how it ends. And if you listen hard enough you find out it ends amazingly.